I can't breathe without you.

Why do the things that make the most sense have to be the things you don't want?

And we know it's never simple, never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.
And I can't breathe without you,
But I have to.

It's 2 a.m., feeling like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me.

Living on a prayer...

I did something that I should probably be ashamed of recently, but I'm not, and I would do it again if presented with the same situation...and that's pretty much all I have to say about that.

I'm finally completely moved in, and even have furniture. My parents are supposed to be bringing me another mattress so I can give Laura her bed back, although I don't know if they'll ever actually come back and pick it up. It's a pretty nice bed, to be honest, even if the frame is metal and squeaks with every move you make.

The ferrets are absolutely in love with my room, especially Bella. She took a nap in my fuzzy blanket on top of my bed this afternoon. It was adorable. Anya can't do that though because of her affinity with biting. They both like my giant fuzzy rabbit and fuzzy flower pillow as well. Bella keeps moving the pillow to wherever it is she wants to take a nap.

I got my last round of proofs today. I've got to actually apply the corrections tomorrow, print out all the corrected pages, write the files to the CD and mail them back to the plant. We're still waiting on the cover design to come back. I hope it turns out the way I had imagined it. I turned in the DVD yesterday and finalized a simple design for it. I need to start working on the "policy guide" for my independent study so that it can be presented to my successors at the camp we're planning for the fall. I already know what I want to include in it. It's just a matter of actually putting it together. I'm not sure exactly how I want to go about that yet. I hope it will be useful to them. The only problem will be if they don't go with Herff Jones next year because that's what the guide will be tailored to. I hope they don't switch it up. Bess is an amazing representative and they do so much for our publication that we wouldn't get with any other company. I know I'm about to graduate, but I'm genuinely worried about the future of the Palladium. I'm afraid my successors will get overwhelmed and/or let the staff walk all over them. I'm afraid the Publications Board will succeed in their attempts to move it to another department, even with the disapproval of Dr. P standing in their way. And I'm afraid that the school will accept a bid from another publication that will end up doing the same thing Jostens did 3 years ago. A part of me wishes that they could create a permanent position where I could do what I'm doing now, only with more control of the publication...kind of like being the advisor without being a professor. That would be a pretty nifty starter job, but what with proration and the budgets being cut I know it won't happen. But it would be nice to stay in Troy for a little while longer.

Speaking of jobs, I'm getting pretty freaked out about the lack of response I've had from the dozen or so positions I've applied for. Don't get me wrong, I have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to and I'll end up exactly where I'm meant to be. But just because I have faith doesn't mean I can't be afraid. I just wish I had some idea of where my life will be taking me after graduation. At this point, even a rejection letter/email would give me some peace of mind.

Life is starting to work itself out. Finally!

I get to wash my hands of university housing tomorrow. I'm thrilled. These last two weeks have been ridiculous. I hope the girl who's being evicted has most of her stuff gone by tomorrow. I think she's planning on it, but who knows really. I've got to start packing what few things I have up here to move over there. And then I'll pick up the rest of my stuff from home this weekend.

My dad brought us a microwave yesterday, and we might be able to use his old couch. It just depends on the kind of shape it's in. We'll find out when we go down to my grandparents' for the family reunion. We're also going to look at the extra beds they have. Hopefully I can use one of those, too, although Laura did say she would let me borrow her bed until I got one of my own up here. But I don't want to do that for too long. I kind of want curtains, too. The window in that room is way too big for my one panel, and I really don't want to deal with the sun all day 'cause that's what side of the apartment my room will be on.

I found out yesterday that my grandmother has cancer in her lungs...but she doesn't want anyone to know because she doesn't want us to worry. Hopefully since it's small they'll be able to treat and/or remove it. It's scary to think about.

Deadlines don't wait for inspiration -Charles Schultz

For a while I thought that nothing was going my way, but once again the wonderful people in my life have proved me wrong. I was dreading going home for the summer, dreading being bored in a town where I no longer have a social life or any prospects of one, dreading not being able to see my friends, dreading not being able to find a job doing something I want to do...but after all the hassle I've gone through with university housing in the past week and a half, I had resigned myself to moving back home if only for the purpose of not having to deal with them anymore.

But it seems as if all my fears were, for lack of a better word, irrational. I'm not going to have to move home for the summer (until August at least), and I'm not going to have to look for a new job until I graduate in July. I'm going to continue drawing my Palladium paycheck through the summer since I'll still be working on proofs and putting together a policy manual for my successors. I also volunteered to work with Ms. Kate through the summer, which will entail some filing and errand-running but mostly I'll be helping her plan/coordinate the high school journalism workshop for the fall semester (J-Day), which will look really good on my resume.

I only have to deal with university housing until the end of this week, for which I am grateful. This has been the most stressful week and a half because they are so disorganized. Then I'll be moving in with my friend for the rest of the summer (2 months) so she doesn't get kicked out of her apartment. I'm excited about getting to stay in town for my last summer as a student. I'll get to spend time with people I actually want to see, which is something I wouldn't get to do at home (other than with my family).

So everything is looking up. I still don't have a "real" job, but I've got time to figure all that out. I have faith that I'll end up where I'm meant to be in the end.