Every year on Memorial Day weekend, one side of my family has a reunion. And let me tell you, it's in the middle of nowhere. Don't get me wrong - the state park is really pretty, but it's literally in the middle of nowhere. And there are always some weirdos coming out of the woodwork. I'm not trying to talk bad about them (okay, so maybe I can't help it), but some of these people are from the real backwoods.

For example, apparently it's acceptable for cousins to be romantically involved. Case in point: there are two girl cousins who're about my youngest brother's age. And it should be said right now that my baby brother is way too cute and nice for his own good. Last year at this reunion, these two girls blatantly followed him around, despite the fact that his very obvious girlfriend was hanging from his arm. This year they upgraded - they had cameras and were taking pictures of him. Can you say creepy?**

Bert (after bowling a gutter ball): That's what you gotta do from now on.

Roommate (hadn't heard original comment): What? Throw gutter balls?

He probably let me.

Oh, and I've got a question for you guys. In my medical segment this morning there was a story about how college kids aren't as empathetic as they used to be. It went on to say that back in the 70s college students were more likely to try to understand each others' perspectives and then said that researchers believe the media is partly to blame for this decrease in college empathy. What do you think?

Yep. That's me. On the wrong side of the internet as usual.

So yesterday I took a walk through my history with technology, and if you remember it was mostly focused on computers and the programs I used from fifth grade up 'til now. That little walk down memory lane helped me realize where my problem with technology lies: the internet.

My history with the internet is not as long as my history with computers. I actually didn't start using the internet extensively until probably the 8th grade. I got my first email address and became a member of games.com, where I actually met my first internet friend - a guy from London (we're friends on Facebook now, although we don't keep in touch very often anymore). I started using MSN Messenger and talked to complete strangers (without fear of being killed in my sleep) in chatrooms. That's how I met one of my best friends (we're friends on facebook and talk/text all the time).

Looking back I realize that time period was back when the internet was relatively simple, or in other words you didn't have many options for changing or controlling the things you were using online. And to be honest, the only things I've ever really wanted to mess with on anything has been the color of the page and/or fonts. But let's face it, doing that now isn't as easy as it once was. Used to you could just click on stuff and things would change to what you wanted them to be. Nowadays nothing is that simple, or even if it is it doesn't ever work that way for me.

I'm serious. If you knew how long it took me to get my new layout to work correctly on here, you'd probably laugh (Christina probably is laughing actually). And that ineptness spills over into pretty much every aspect of the internet.

I need my own personal Geek Squad. They can act as my chauffeur, too!

Seriously though, me and technology, as a general rule, do not get along. Which is really quite lamentable considering that I'm surrounded by technology for most of my waking hours. As I'm typing this [paragraph] I'm actually waiting on one form of technology - known as CBS Newspath Now - to finish uploading the video and scripts I need for my morning newscast. It's really quite frustrating and comes in as a close second to my least favorite part of my job (if you're new to the blog, check out some of my older stories and you'll see how much I absolutely HATE posting stories to the web).

So yesterday I was thinking about my experiences with technology and trying to pinpoint where in our long history things went awry. And that's where I got the idea for today's post. I'm going to give you an abbreviated (I'll try to anyway) version of my past dealings with technology... all at the risk of making myself seem extremely old.

I remember my first round with technology. It was back in fourth or fifth grade, I can't remember exactly which. Anyway, one day out of the week I went to Probe and one of the things we got to do was use the new Apple computers. And what we did with them was use some computer program - that I can't remember the name of - to create pictures using codes that were remarkably similar to html, but of course that hadn't been invented yet. We actually created a whole series of these pictures, some of which had animation, and sent them off to a competition.

Remember when Encarta was the shiz? Well, I do. And I remember the first time I ever used it. It was in the cool, new computer lab attached to the library of the middle school. I was in 6th grade.

Then we graduated to PowerPoint. I created my first PowerPoint presentation when I was in 7th grade. I can even remember what it was about. At that point in my life I thought I wanted to be a psychologist who worked with injured athletes (how naive I was). That's what my slide show was about - what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Over the course of my education, I have created many a PowerPoint presentation. And I can honestly say that I do not like PowerPoint.

When I got in high school, I made the decision that I couldn't live my life without writing so I joined the newspaper staff. The first editing/layout software I ever used was called Ready, Set, Go! and it was on a computer that we fondly called the dinosaur (it's actually one of the original Apple computers I mentioned earlier). If I'm not mistaken, the dinosaur still works today.

We gradually evolved in our technology - we upgraded to the Macs with the colored butts and started using Quark photo-editing software. Then we purchased four extremely nice Dell desktop computers and the first version of Adobe PageMaker and Photoshop (remember that day, Christina?)

Then I graduated and went to college where the journalism lab was equipped with what I like to call the bubble computer. Those were only there for the first year of my career and they upgraded to these:

They actually still use these if I'm not mistaken. The newspaper and yearbook offices got a set of these before the rest of the school. We also got the newest versions of the Adobe Suite before anybody else. Sweet, right?

This is what I worked on my senior year - the Leopard. By far the nicest computer I have ever used in my entire life. One day I will upgrade from my pitiful-by-comparison Dell laptop that's served a dutiful five years of service to the top-of-the-line Apple computer (if you can't tell, I'm a big fan of Apple).

Now I've regressed back to a regular desktop for work, one that is so old they don't make them anymore. I do have a nice screen now though. Not that it matters all that much in the long run.

Come to think of it... all of my history with technology has been pretty successful when it comes to software revolving around my passions. Where my trouble lies is with the internet (just ask Christina). I can maneuver it just fine and find just about any type of information you could ever dream of looking up. But when it comes to modifying the things that I use online, I'm totally useless. It's sad really, and I honestly don't know where I went wrong.

No real post today.

It feels as if an army of midgets has taken up residency inside my face (yes, my face). And they're all armed with picks/chisels/hammers with which to pound on my nose, cheeks, temples, forehead and eyes.

In other words, I'm battling a sinus-induced migraine. I keep throwing benadryl and excedrin migraine bombs at the midgets, and while they're very effective the results aren't permanent. After four or five hours the midgets shake off their stupor, pick up their tools and get right back to work.

I'm okay right now. They're all passed out from the last bombing, but I can feel the strongest starting to stir already. And I cannot afford to let what happened yesterday happen again today.

The midgets will not get the better of me.

I used to like Lindsay Lohan. You know, back when she wasn't addicted to drugs and an alcoholic.

The days when you couldn't see every bone in her body and she was a redhead. Well, she might be a redhead again - I'm not sure. I kinda stopped following her when she started looking like a crackhead skeleton.

I just know the blond and black-hair phases were not an attractive look for her.

Neither was this:

She kinda looks like a mule that's gotten a mouth-full of briars...

Anyway, I'm sure you guys have heard it on the radio or possibly read it online or even seen it on t.v., but Lindsay was supposed to be in court last week for drug charges and something about driving. She didn't show up. She was at the Cannes Film Festival in France.

Her rep claims that someone stole her passport and Lindsay didn't realize it until she got to the gate at the airport. I smell a big pile of bull embedded in this story. Know why? Lindsay went out partying that night. Real responsible, huh?

Anyway, she went to court yesterday on the charges I mentioned before. The judge has sentenced her to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet and she has to take alcohol classes once a week. Also, and this is the best part for me, the judge has ordered her not to go ahead with filming a movie in Texas or take part in photo shoots while she's being drug tested in L.A.

Remember the good ol' days when Lindsay looked like this?

Back when she looked like a real person and was a decent role model for kids? Now it's actually kind of embarrassing that she was ever a natural redhead.

That's me, or at least I feel like that's what I should look like right about now. But it's my own fault for sacrificing a nap in lieu of fun activities.

Did you know there are three stages of sleep deprivation? My friends and I discovered them in college. The first is adrenaline rush. I'm actually on the back nine of this stage right now. It's like you get a second wind or something, which is nice only if you're getting to catch those Zzzzs you so desperately need in a few hours. Hint, my few hours are numbered.

The second stage is anger/sad-hysterical crying. I don't think I'll progress too far into this stage before I leave work. I'll be on the edge of anger though, I'm sure. In other words, I'll be quiet and the cameraman will come in the control room and ask why he hasn't heard me in his headset and then probably laugh at my predicament.

The final stage isn't that hard to guess, or at least I don't think it should be hard for you to figure out. Unconsciousness. I plan on reaching this stage willingly around 7:30 a.m. All phone calls and/or text messages will be duly ignored until my resources have been restored.

Anyway, just wanted to explain why I'm writing this entry at 2:35 in the morning instead of my usual 4:00. If I wait that late, there won't be a post at all. Not that I really have a point to this anyway. Not anymore. I did have something I wanted to talk about but then I reread my notes and realized I must have been asleep when I wrote them because nothing I'd written made any sense at all. But that could just be my sleep deprived brain playing tricks on my eyes. Who knows.

So I bought a Sobe strawberry-banana energy drink on my way to work last night 'cause, you know, I figured I'd need it. It didn't really do much good but that's besides the point of this paragraph. Look at this:

You can click to make it larger.

That is the cap to my energy drink, and just in case you didn't click to make it bigger, it says:
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

Just like that, actually. In all caps, like it's screaming it at me. Too bad I don't know who she is or what she said, unless she is the universe and she didn't actually say anything but rather laughed uncontrollably at my sad state of sleeplessness. But that's just a theory.

 

Did you know yesterday was Pacman's 30th birthday? Probably not because you guys aren't nerds like me. Unless you use Google and saw the Pacman thing at the top of it. They turned their homepage into an arcade, but I didn't know that's what it was until after it had been taken down.

Have you ever tried to play one of the original arcade machines? There used to be one in the Mexican restaurant (the one where the Chinese buffet is now and where the steak house was forever ago) back in the back room. I wasted a lot of money in that machine trying to gobble up all those dots and get the fruit while dodging those pesky ghosts. The little joystick is hard to maneuver...

And I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but why the heck is that one ghost named Clyde? Is it meant to be special because it doesn't rhyme with the others, or is it some form of punishment for not being a cool color?

Hopefully my sleep deprivation has at least been entertaining for you all. And hopefully it makes sense. You'd actually probably get a kick out of how many typos I've made and corrected, but right now (other than Pacman) nothing has little red squiggles underneath. I feel accomplished.

Oh yeah, and for once in my life technology did not get the better of me. I successfully got a new layout. Tell me what you think of it! (and applaud my technological success story 'cause they're few and far between!)

Here are the rules for this one (simplified version) :

1. Thank and link the person who gave you this award. (you can find that up above)

4. Pass the award. (as I said earlier, I don't do this part)

I've always liked my name.

-socks

I'm usually the one person to stay calm in times of crisis.

My job is slowly killing me.

No, really, it is. And yours is probably slowly killing you. As I told you yesterday, I found this article on Yahoo about office health risks. Unfortunately it's been removed and I can't find a link to it anywhere. However, I emailed it to myself so if you'd like to read it, just ask!

Anyway, I was reading the article and I got to the first risk and I thought, this totally applies to my job. Then I got to the second risk and thought, wow so does this. To save you four more of these we'll skip to my reaction upon reaching the end of the article - My job is killing me!

It's giving me carpal tunnel. No, really. My job is completely computerized. It can't be done without one. I organize the show on a computer. I edit the scripts on a computer. I cut and edit video ON A COMPUTER. And when I'm in control of the tape list while the show's on air... well, that's on a computer, too.

It's pretty hard to do my job standing up. The eight or so hours of sitting causes lower back pain. The boyfriend pops my back at least once a week, usually multiple times. The last time he did it, I had been in pain for the better part of a day. It cracked in the upper part, the middle part and the lower part.

My weather girl suggested that I get a clock and schedule regular laps around the newsroom, which would help with the lower back pain and also the other joint pain that my job causes (and yours too, I'd wager). I don't like sitting with my feet hanging off my chair so more often than not I tuck my feet up under me, but that 1/16th Cherokee is hiding and doesn't let me sit like an Indian without my knees and ankles protesting.

The constant staring at a computer screen is causing eye strain. I'm serious. My eyes have gotten so much worse since I started working here. My glasses barely put things into focus anymore, but I haven't manned up and gone to the eye doctor yet because I hate that thing that blows air in your pupils...

If you look in the dictionary under live t.v. I'm sure you'll see this definition: stressful situations. Too much stress can lead to heart attacks, which just so happens to be the number one cause of death in the U.S.

Maybe I should look for a new line of work.

So I don't have anything really pertinent to talk about today. The news is chock-full of news on the oil spill (which don't get me wrong is a really big deal for this area but there's really nothing useful I can say about it here), Elena Kagan's supreme court nomination (every time I see her name, I think kraken...), the failed Times Square bomber (who I think really wanted to be caught but I can't figure out why), and other things of that nature. The protest leaders in Thailand have surrendered and Greece's financial situation isn't improving. Oh, and the volcano with the crazy name in Iceland is still erupting. Crazy, depressing stuff going on in the world of news.

So I was browsing around on Yahoo looking for something interesting that isn't depressing when I saw three mind-boggling articles in a row. Unfortunately I failed to get the links to them, and I'm too lazy to go search for them again so you're just going to have to take my word for what's to come (or you could just go to Yahoo yourself and look them up).

Mind-boggler #1 (btw I'm doing these in the order I originally saw them) - obscure uses for rubber bands, besides making a really cool bouncy ball. That didn't make the list... but here's something that did and I kind of feel like an idiot for not ever thinking of it, hence the mind boggling part. You can wrap a rubber band(s) around the lid of a jar you're having difficulty opening and it opens for you like magic! No more having to find the nearest person of the male persuasion to get into the pickle jar...

Mind-boggler #2 - Justin Beiber has been nominated for a BET Award.

What?! I think that's sufficient for this one.

Mind-boggler #3 - Megan Fox will not be appearing in Transformers 3. Apparently she made some pretty snarky comments about the director, Michael Bay, in an interview and then the crew members posted an open letter to her online calling her a grouch and unfriendly. There was some more blather about Bay writing a blog about it saying he and Megan still get along and he looked forward to working with her on Transformers 3. And there are conflicting stories as to the development of Megan's non-appearance. Her reps say it was her decision, while other sources say it was ultimately Bay's decision to take Shia Labeouf's character in a different direction - one that doesn't include a love interest.

Now that I'm done boggling your mind, here's a tease for tomorrow's entry.

That's all you get for now, but tomorrow I'll tell you why. And let me just say this: all of the reasons apply to my job. Isn't that great?!

Did you know Megan Fox [seen above in a photo for GQ magazine] was born with a unibrow?

Don't believe me? I can prove it with the help of Allure magazine.

That's Megan's yearbook picture from 1995, and there is definitely a unibrow present.

Apparently there's an old wives' tale about babies who're born with unibrows. It's said that they grow up to be famous. And judging by Megan Fox's obvious fame, I guess there's some truth to that tale.

By the way, Megan [shown above in a photo for Maxim magazine] says she's never tanning again so all you guys that like to drool over her will just have to settle for a more natural skin tone [fyi: she blames her tanning binge on the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen director]. And for all you ladies secretly hoping some part of her look is fake, Megan's adamant that her lips are her lips. Apparently there's been rumors going around that she's had them enhanced.

I've never actually been on a diet. As a matter of fact, if you put my name right next to the word diet - like this: Ashton-diet - it would be the epitome of an oxymoron. I love to eat, and I'm not going to let something as silly as fear of gaining weight keep me from doing what I love. Fortunately I've been blessed with a pretty quick metabolism to balance things out, and yes I know once I hit 30 or so it will slow down and I'll be as big as a house.  But I'll be a happy house.

Anyway, like I was saying. I've never been on a diet, but I saw this on Yahoo and couldn't resist clicking on it: Chocolate Milk Diet.

How cool is that?! A diet that consists of chocolate milk. Awesome. Unfortunately, man cannot subsist on chocolate milk alone, but that's not what this article is suggesting.

According to the article, chocolate milk alongside a healthy diet and exercise (and mine is actually pretty healthy all things considered) can help you drop belly fat.

I don't exercise. Well, not in a gym anyway. I don't like that feeling of people staring at me, even though they're probably not. Plus, I sweat and it's gross. In the words of my best friend, "I'm too cute to sweat!."

But I am totally going to buy chocolate milk now and not feel guilty about it!

Here's why:

1. It has calcium to help build strong bones. And according to some researchers in Nebraska, calcium actually makes it difficult for your body to absorb fat.

2. It has Vitamin D, which moves calcium from your food to your body. You know, so it can block your fat!

3. The natural sweetness improves your muscle endurance. And let's face it, I'm getting old. Walking up the mountain-stairs to get to my apartment takes a lot out of me. Sad, I know.

4. It helps you build muscle, which burns fat and boosts your metabolism.

Moral of today's story?

You know how guys make fun of girls when they're trying to do something construction-like? Well, this past week I've been not-so-much domestic as I've been constructive. I'm not sure I worded that sentence in a way that makes sense but it's 4:00 in the morning so I'm allowed. Anyway, see that tool kit up there? If you're female then you know the vast realm of tasks that can be accomplished with those two items... plus a pair of tweezers if you're in a jam.

For example: I bought these two really awesome black-and-white pictures of lilies to hang above my couch. They're really modern-looking and I'm very excited about them. Anyway, I hung them yesterday, but I don't have a hammer. My mom left her nail/screw kit at my apartment but she took her hammer home. Thoughtful, right? So I used the next best thing to pound those nails into the wall... the heel of my boot. Don't laugh. It worked, and despite what the boyfriend says they're up on that wall to stay (at least until I move out).

Despite my success with picture-hanging and putting together an end table and t.v. stand all by myself - a feat I'm very proud of - I know I'm not a carpenter, and just in case I wasn't sure... the chairs I bought to go with my dining room table reminded me yesterday. I was following the instructions, moving along quite nicely when I got to this part involving screwing the chair legs onto the seat using an allen wrench. I tried, I really did. And I failed. Nothing in my woman's tool kit was up to the task, so I laid everything out nice and orderly and let the boyfriend put it all together when he came over!

Normally the scanners at work are obnoxiously, annoyingly loud and distracting and I want nothing more than to chunk them out the window. However, I never act out my destructive desire because somehow I fear that destroying the chatter boxes would be detrimental to my position at the station. With that being said, the past two nights haven't been so bad.

Sure, they've still been mostly obnoxious, but there have been some pretty entertaining things to cross the airwaves and prick at my ears.

On Tuesday night I heard this from a Georgia channel:

Dispatch: "Resident didn't answer the phone."

Cop: "You reckon that's because it's 1:00 in the morning and she's asleep?"

Cop 2: "That's what I reckon."

Dispatch: "The other dispatcher asked. Apparently she was supposed to call back."

About five minutes elapse...

Cop: "I know you're not going to believe this but believe it or not, she was asleep."

Then last night (Wednesday), I hear this on some indeterminate channel at an unknown time (I was half-asleep).

Dispatch: "Be advised, caller says there's a gator in the road."

Cop 1: "There's a what?"

Dispatch: "Caller says there's a gator - an alligator - in the middle of County Road 49."

Cop 2: "Hope you got your gator-wranglin' boots on."

Cop 1: "I got my shotgun."

Dispatch: "Be advised, caller says she saw two cars swerve to miss the gator and she almost hit it."

My thoughts: This gator is pissed.

So I told you guys a couple days ago that I moved over the weekend. Well, I bought this really cute bookcase that I was uber excited about because I'm a total book junkie, or as my boyfriend would say - a nerd. Anyway, my dad and I struggled for close to an hour to put this thing together.

The instructions were massively complicated. There was nothing written - just a bunch of pictures with numbers/letters labeling parts. And the pictures didn't necessarily go in the order of how you put it together.

But we prevailed and finally got the two separate pieces put together and connected.

Then I spent the majority of Saturday afternoon arranging everything just so because I'm a perfectionist.

Then yesterday, it exploded. Well, I guess exploded isn't the best word to describe the destructive process. Just understand that I was sitting on my couch watching t.v. when I heard this sliding sound coming from that corner. As soon as I turned my head, BOOM!!! Books, pictures, random knick-knacks and pieces of bookcase everywhere.

I cried.

And then, after I had cleaned it all up and gathered the pieces of bookcase into a pile to be taken (angrily) back to the store, I decided I wanted supper. And what do I do? I spill tomato soup all over my kitchen.

Tuesday was just a major FAIL.

Maxim magazine has named Katy Perry their top 100 hottest woman.

What?! How did this come about? I have a sneaking suspicion that it somehow all goes back to that song "I Kissed A Girl" 'cause I'm sure the panel that decided this was almost completely all male and when her name came up they automatically thought of that song and got excited. Ugh.

I'm not saying she's not attractive. I can't say that because I personally think she has a very strong resemblance to Zoey Deschanel, who I happen to think is gorgeous. Here, let's compare:

That's uncanny. So here's my thing... if you're going to pick someone that looks like that, why not pick Zoey Deschanel? She's not even in the top 10. Hell, she's not even in the top 50! She's ranked a disappointing 73.

Maybe I'm biased because I like Zoey better than Katy, but this just doesn't make any sense at all. In fact, most of the list doesn't make sense. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself: Maxim's Top 100.

In case you've been wondering where I've been, just check under the pile of boxes currently sitting in my dining room... But seriously. I spent my weekend moving, and I'm not done yet. There really is a pile of boxes in my dining room, maybe not that high but pretty close.

All the dust and sweat have not been kind to my nose. I can breathe through it, which is a blessing, but it sure does hurt. It actually feels like a tiny little midget elf is standing on my left cheek leaning against my left nostril.

And let's not forget all the random bruises and cuts and scratches I have that can't be explained. Man, I'm falling apart!

It seriously rained for two days straight here, but it wasn't the kind of rain you could go all Gene Kelly and sing in. Oh, no. I'm talking two straight days of this massive storm system just sitting on top of us not moving.

And I thought the pollen would get better because the two days worth of rain would, you know, wash all traces of it away. Nope. When it cleared up yesterday afternoon and the sun came out and dried everything up, I went to get in my car to go somewhere and what do I see covering the hood? Pollen! Wtf?!

So now I'm all itchy and watery again. I just got rid of all that a couple weeks ago and was feeling pretty good (once I stopped taking that nasty decongestant that made me sleepy all the freaking time). Now it feels like the rain washed away the effects of all the medicine I took instead of the pollen. What kind of justice is that?

But there is some pretty cool stuff about the rain. It makes everything real pretty and green, and it smells nice. Plus it's awesome sleeping weather, especially since I sleep during the day. It actually almost felt like I was sleeping at night.

And then there's always kissing in the rain.

And I totally want one of these:

I'm a really horrible blogger as of late. Sure there are reasons for this - namely the decline of my time management skills, i.e. my morning naps have become way more important.

I feel like I've been going 90 to nothin' these past couple of weeks. Sweeps started on Thursday, as did the debut of the new format for my show, which I must say has been highly successful. Sweeps adds a lot of stress to life. It's that period of approximately 30 days - I lose count after the first 10 - in which every little detail has to be perfect. Ratings are a pain, especially this time around since the morning show's improved so significantly in the last sweeps period.

I keep wondering why they call it sweeps. I think it has to be because they take all of the mistakes, no matter how insignificant, and sweep them all into a giant pile to be analyzed at the end of the 30 day period. The bigger your pile, the lower your rating. Hence, your goal is perfection. And we all know that perfection isn't an achievable goal...

Wow. I didn't mean to get lost on that road, but there ya go. Now you know what I've been going through and can have some inkling of why sleep is so gosh-darned important right now!

I've talked about kickers before, right? I'm sure I have, but I'll reiterate. The kicker is the last story of my newscast. Something upbeat and positive or funny that lets the viewers start their day with a happy thought and a smile. Animal stories are always a good choice. People love animals.

Well today I found this story about tadpoles. I'm not sure what kind the ones in the picture up there are. They all look the same to me. Anyway, these scientists in Argentina were doing something with Pacman frog tadpoles - yes, Pacman - when they discovered that the little guys shrieked whenever they took them out of the water. So then they video-taped them to see if that was the only instance. They also shriek whenever they bump into each other or feel like they're being attacked, and judging by the video I watched of it that happens a lot. Anyway, this is the first time anyone has ever heard anything like this in a tadpole. Up 'til now, people have just assumed they were silent little creatures swimming around in a pool of bliss.

 

This is what a fully grown Pacman frog looks like, by the way. I don't know why it's named after Pacman. I was lazy and didn't look that up. I guess it kind of resembles Pacman a little... ?

Nope.